Didn’t take long now did it, for me to turn into a relationship expert? Ha!
Ask my wife and she will tell you that I don’t know what I’m talking about since I know virtually nothing about emotions and relationships.

Umm onwards and upwards, right?

Alright so why this topic today on a plane heading to the UK. Well a) because it’s -5 celcius and b) I miss meeting my team, having a good laugh and most importantly shots. So far Caribbean islands have been our victim, Mexico was the most recent one, as well as Dubai (yeah THAT Dubai), we’re lucky we didn’t get arrested after the debachorous four days we spent there.

But doesn’t having a great relationship with the team come with a downside? Hmm, truth be told I have never come across a manager that had a perfect relationship with their team. Some managers are feared, some respected, some admired and well some are just cool folks that want to be friends with everyone. Is there a perfect type?

Kinda like asking if there is a perfect steak? I guess depends on who you’re asking. But there are some ground rules and some universal truths that regardless of the kind of manager you are, are key to maintaining a good relationship with your team.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I know it all. I do not. But I have been managing teams for over a decade now and I can say that I know first hand what the dos and don’ts are. Also, the people I started working with, still to this day stay in touch with me. And no I don’t mean they send me a yearly automated happy birthday through LinkedIn.

My first ever boss (Bartosz), is the godfather of my son. My team at Hubstaff I let in to my home and spend time with my family and anyone who knows me knows that I don’t allow people in to my house easy ha. I’m protective and a very private person. Hence the no social media, and selfies on LinkedIn showcasing my own self or my family.

My team mates from back in the day were there on my wedding day. Point being, I think I was able to do a semi-good job of building good relationships with my teams. I think one of the major concerns that every manager has is well, if you become friends with the same people you manage, it will become difficult to give them critical feedback regarding their work.

And while there is some truth to it, it doesn’t have to be the case. Another famous one is that if you like and be friends with the people you manage, you will have an inherent bias when it comes to anything related to them. True true.

Look, truth of the matter is this is a tough nut to crack. To be able to have a great relationship with your team and be an effective manager. We are all human at the end of the day (well some of us are) and our emotions for better or worse kick in when we are dealing with people.

What should we do? Be strict and keep everyone at an arms length? Or be kind and listen to the team members and make sure that they are happy?

I think the answer lies somewhere in between. Like all great things in life, it all boils down to making sure there is a balance in your relationship. The trick is maintaining that balance.

Let me give you an example. I like to joke, I mean I joke a lot. I make fun of my team, my team makes fun of the fact that I’m 30 years old now and practically an old dude. And it’s all fun and games. But when it comes to work, we are all locked in and laser focused. Work means work and that means no messing about. When my message is received on slack and something serious is being asked that means it needs to be dealt with in the manner in which it was received.

Work cannot crossover into fun territory and wise versa. And just because you had a great night out with them does not mean you shouldn’t do your job and give them feedback or expect them to do their job. And do your job and that too well.

You as a manager need to make sure that you set the ground rules here. That means being assertive and making sure that you are leading from the front. Just because you like someone and are friends with them that doesn’t exempt you from checking their work, or giving them feedback that might not be easy to give. I would argue you need to do more of that to ensure that the person is growing and delivering up to your expectations.

On the flip side, as a team member, the onus is now on me to make sure that I don’t mess up and perform like a champ. I should not be giving any excuse to my manager and not perform well. I want to maintain my relationship with my higher up and I want to make sure that I never put myself in a position where this relationship can be jeopardized.

That means working twice as hard and doing your job well enough to ensure “those talks” never need to happen.

As a manager, it is your job to ensure that the two roles are completely separate. The friend and the manager. You need to do a good job of making sure that the manager is at work and in personal life the friend comes out and they don’t overlap.

You prevent the overlapping by making sure you are setting the limits. It is critical that you command respect and not roll over. I like the analogy of treating your kids. The kids will always test your boundaries and see where the limits are. They are experts at that. And if you budge they will exploit you through and through.

Hence the goal should be to give feedback, remarks to the teammate like you would any other person and to make sure you are not mincing words or treating them differently just because you have a good relationship with them outside of work. I understand the urge but that is probably the worst thing you can do is to have a double standard.

I don’t mean you should disrespect people, what I’m trying to say is to ensure that the feedback is being delivered in a way that makes the message clear that you are the manager and this is what you expect from the person you manage.

You do that, and I promise people will respect you for it. But if you give someone preferential treatment and treat them differently because you are friends with them, well then I promise you that nothing will mess up your team dynamics faster than doing just this. It will make people question your leadership and that is not a place a manager wants to be in or should ever be in.

If your word is being questioned by the very people you manage, you sir or madam have lost the game. That’s it. Kaput. Pack the bags. Because the cat is out of the bag and it will never go back. So, please ensure that you treat this wisely and not make mistakes that countless others before you have made.

Think of this way. People need jobs, they need them to pay for their life and they need to have stability in their life. I don’t know a lot of people that would choose a manager over a job. So understand that people are coming to work to make money and fulfill their obligations.

They are not there to have parties or expect to be entertained. Nor should they. This is a place of work and the first and foremost thing is to ensure that the work is being executed and that too of very high quality.

Work hard. Play hard. But to do that the work really needs to come first and it needs to be executed on properly. If the team has hit their yearly target. Feast them. Take em to Vegas, fly them to Dubai and go for a desert safari. It makes sense in that scenario. But turning a workplace into a frat house will almost always turn in to a situation that you cannot control.

Because you have successfully set the backdrop for what is acceptable and very seldom can you change the narrative and make sure that people get reigned back in. Kinda like you can’t really put the toothpaste back in to the tube.

On the flip side, just because maintaining a good relationship with your teammates is challenging, does not mean you should keep everyone at an arms length. If people fear you or you are despotic, you will not earn their respect. It’s good to loosen up, get to know your team, build a good relationship with them. This will help you build a good culture inside your team.

And you know what they say about culture right? Culture eats strategy for breakfast. Yes!

There are a few more things I want to add here. Build up a reputation for helping out. Leave the seniority stuff at the door and be a decent person first. Later, when you’re observing patterns that might produce bad outcomes and you feel compelled to point them out, folks will be more amenable to your ideas because they like you.

Take this for what it’s worth, but I think the term meaningful connections can mean a lot of things in the case of a manager. For some, it’s happy hours, and for others, it’s someone (like myself) taking the time to reach out and ask how someone is. Buy em a free lunch. Pay for their ticket to the cinema.

At the end of the day, what I try and do is just make it clear that we can have an open line of communication and they can feel free to talk to me about anything.

I started my first remote role at Prezly, a small startup and the team was totally remote. I reached out and asked how members of the team are doing and talk about stuff they are interested in, but outside of that, I didn’t push too much. Some people care about it, some don’t, and both are okay.

You don’t have to be best friends, but they should trust you.

The world of work is changing, and we have to make sure to change along with it.

I’m a big believer in the following saying:

“You don’t quit your job, you quit your manager”.

The onus of course is on the manager to make sure that they are a good people manager and most importantly they are able to manage relationships with everyone on their team.

Most importantly just remember you can only build a great relationship with your team if you legitimately give a crap about them and their well being.

It’s important to ensure that the people you manage feel good working with you and know the kind of person you are. The more you open up with them (up to a limit), the better your relationship with the team. Nothing worthwhile ever came easy and I’m not saying it will be easy.

But I promise it will be worth it 100%.